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if you are not 18 or older, get out. this place is not for you.
adults, this page is a place for me to discuss my relationship with sexuality. hard kink and paraphilias will come up - the paraphilias of which i am anti contact. if these make you uncomfortable, please leave.
this section of the site is for my unfortunate thoughts. i'll vent here mostly about my difficulties with sexuality, be that in terms of my disabilities, my self image, or whatever the hell. be prepared for discussions of intense sexual trauma.

05/07/2025 , 12:14 am - originally from my regular blog channel, but i realized it was a bit too heavy to have in there. i don't want people to be forced to look at my mess of a brain. i have had a strange uptick in the amount of episodes and emotional flashbacks ive been experiencing. im not really sure whats wrong with me or why its happening - i know at one point a few years back i had to recount my childhood . experience. around this time but i didnt have THIS bad of episodes last year ?? then again i was also having to endure the presence of the most evil fucking woman on earth so maybe i was experiencing this and just didnt have the energy to devote any attention to it. i hate feeling as helpless as i have been lately when it comes to those flashbacks. nothing compares. nothing. idk if it sounds weird and im sorry if this is wrong to say but i truly dont. understand those who think murder could be worse than rape. i don't get it. i dont think i ever will. when you kill, you snuff a candle. a breath interrupts a firework of emotions and thoughts and stops all the things that make you into you. but rape stays forever. im 19. it happened when i was 4. 15 years of something i barely remember, but keeps digging its rough hands into my hips and ripping into skin and bone and organ that no one can see. i hate it. i hate it. i hate what it's made me. i hate being reminded that i share his blood, that i probably share the same mental differences that made him the skulking smoke smelling amalgam of bad experiences that he is.
just kind of wish i was dead. i hate wanting to hurt others and i hate wanting to hurtmyself but i cant help it ive tried so hard to get help ive gone through 4 different therapists but nothing fixes it. i am haunted by what he's done to me. i hate him. i hate him. i wish i could kill him but i know if i came across him again i would only be able to cower. i am a coward. even in his state apparently at the mental capacity of a toddler i know i would be so scared of him. i barely remember his face until i see him in someone elses and i feel so evil for even considering i might have just seen him in someone who would never match his evil. im so scared im turning into him. i dont want to be him. im the example parents use of what not to turn into. disgusting burden of a person. not even saneenough to think she's a person. i wish they could fix me. i wish my parts could remove it from my brain for good. i almost feel like the guardian, a new part that recently formed, is a manifestation of. it. silent and watching and never gone and you wouldnt know he was there until you saw him with your own eyes. hes scary. i feel so pathetic - when i see him or hear him i just want to curl up and beg him to make it stop but i dont htink he would even know what im atlking about. i doubt he is actually a manifestation of that. i think im just having an episode again and projecting my flashbacks onto things and those around me. i wish lobotomies were still legal